Thank you, 2020. NEXT!

It’s weird reviewing my year because I didn’t enter 2020 with any goals set. For me, 2020 was just another year to exist in and be done with by the 31st of December. I never would have dreamed that my year would end up going the way it did for one simple reason: I had no dreams. Before now, the over-consciousness of death made me very unintentional about living. My approach to every passing day was "it could be your last. Don't stress." This year though, I was forced to re-examine my pessimism and in some ways, temper it.

Go girl...but where am I really going?

Law wise, I had a decent year (excluding academics). The pre-lockdown period had me interning in two different firms within two months and during the lockdown, I got to work with some legal startups, intern in another law firm, write some legal papers (thanks, Kay, for unlocking that swag) and learn a lot about law outside the classroom.

I knew I was doing stuff, but somewhere in my head, it all just felt underwhelming. What I really wanted to do was resume school and see to the resurrection of my GPA. All I was doing, awesome as it was kept meaning very little to me because hey, this energy should be going into redeeming myself. Asides the grades problem, it felt like I had no direction. I saw my mates niching down and doing great stuff in their preferred aspects of law, but my own answer to “what area are you interested in” was “any area that brings money.” I was busy making progress (at least on paper) but I didn’t really feel like it was any progress. Any excitement I felt about authoring a paper or being top whatever in any competition was always dampened by those two realisations. 

Backyard Shakespeare.

I wrote quite a number of things this year and I loved it. From my HuffPost article to getting a job and losing interest during the onboarding stage, I did quite a few things in writing. This year, I took courses, explored tons of sites and started pitching. I sent tons and tons of pitches. Some rejected, most aired. I kept moving until I caught a break with HuffPost.

Sending pitches has taught me a lot about Ls and failures. There are times when you think that you have a perfect idea but as you’ll find, you really don’t. What’s perfect for you could be boring or a bad fit, but it takes another party to point that out to you because it’s hard for us to see through our personal biases. Not because we’re bad but because we are human. Sometimes you’ll see reason with the rejections and sometimes you won’t. Either way, there’s nothing you can do. You suck up your L and keep trying. As you keep trying, you keep getting better at it. I went from needing a few days to put a pitch together to writing a pitch on my phone within 10 minutes while bouncing up and down on the gallops that litter Ogun state roads. In Freelancing – as in life – you have to decide what you want to be scared of. You’re either scared of failing or being ignored (so you keep your ideas to yourself and do nothing) or you’re scared of not trying (so you keep pitching, keep trying until you catch a break). The thought that constantly pushed me this year was:

It's an email. If they don't like it, they can't beat me. 

If I catch Cupid, I will flog him.

​For most of the lockdown, I was alone. I mean utterly alone. I'd go for days without leaving my room or talking to anyone — online or offline. Most times, Kay was the only person I'd talk to all day because I'd lost my Twitter(s). I constantly switched between being happy and being sad. Sometimes I wanted someone around and sometimes I loved the silence. My emotions this year rode the roller-coaster with absolute glee.​​

I had zero relationships and I-love-yous this year and I completely get why. Mortal men have not comprehended how to love the premium being that is Tobi...hehehe. I remember when, during a call, a friend told me my love life was mostly me chasing temporary highs. He didn't lie. As far as relationships with people are concerned, I don't know what I want. Maybe I'll figure it out soon, or maybe I'll keep disturbing everyone with "God when" and "hi lol" tweets that mean nothing, while talking to multiple people and nurturing relationships that won't lead anywhere.

Basically...

I had a major mind shift in 2020. Maybe I still don't fully know all I want, but at least now I'm certain about what I don't want. I'm thankful for the relationships I got to form, the ones I got to nurture and the ones that blossomed into something beautiful.

This year, I had my wins — the highest concentration of wins I've had in a while — my name's currently out there connected to great stuff like papers, great articles, internships and awards all within the space of a few months. Totally great compared to how tumultuous years 2017-2019 were for me. Coincidentally though, I also had my highest concentration of Ls this year. Aired pitches, competitions lost, discarded applications, ignored emails, tanked relationships. It wasn't all rosy this year. I did me some crying. I forgot people's birthdays. I actively avoided people. 

In all of my madness, some people stuck around, even if from afar. I was cheered on by people I least expected — and I'm definitely going to show up more for them. I know whatever happens, I can always call Kay or Abdulwahab because they always have the solutions to my problems and I can report anybody to them. I got talking with classmates I'd ideally have never gotten to interact with and it's great. I can't wait to see the new social dynamics in my class upon resumption. 

Through all my ups and downs, freedoms and lockdowns, I always found the inner strength to pull myself up. Sometimes, I found it on my own and sometimes, I needed someone to hold a torch for me while I searched for it. In all of it, I definitely made lemonade with the lemons I was served.

On 2021...

I can't say I achieved or didn't achieve my goals in 2020 because like I said, I had none. So in 2021, maybe I'll stop being too conscious of death and be a little more intentional about living.

I want to see what I'm able to achieve with specific goals set. I'll stop making excuses and underrating myself. I'll meet and connect with more people, let more people know how I feel about them (you're welcome/I'm sorry in advance), cheer my people on more loudly, put out more content, go out more, take more pictures and be a baby girl.